Sometimes, I feel like I'm a pathetic excuse for a witch.
It comes and goes. Sometimes I just feel normal. Once and awhile, I feel helpless and as if my magick cannot help me. Other days it feels like I'm carrying a secret that only I know, and it makes me feel special, or a bit better about the day.
On the best days I feel like a bad*ss futher mucker.
Magicking it up like a fearless b*st*rd.
Its not about faith or anything like that. I believe in magick, the god and goddess... it is not those forces that are the problem.
When I first started getting into magick when I was about eleven, I was the most interested in different types of divination techniques. Tarot cards were what attracted me first, and thus, I strove to learn them. My dad gave me my allowance when I was visiting him one weekend, and with that I purchased a deck. An Oracle deck, actually, as at the time I was very enchanted by faeries... even though everyone knows, if given the chance, faeries will royally f*ck your sh*t up.
I sucked at it.
I don't mean I was just bad. I was like, failingly bad. Failingly isn't even a word, and I not only know this because of my amazing literary prowess, but also because Firefox is doing that little... swiggly...little... red line... thingy. Anyway, that's just how bad I was at it.
Now, don't get me wrong. I memorized the cards meanings. I could do a spread and read it to you, one, two, three—fortune told! But it was like I was reading a book. I felt nothing for the cards, nothing from the readings, even though people told me a read it well, I was just reading them. It was impersonal, and, even at a young age, I felt because of that, any reading I did was insulting.
I stopped for awhile with divination, choosing to more read up on knowledge, but I did pick it up again, attempting with a Crowley deck. Didn't work. It was even worse than before. I also tried palmistry, which bored me to tears, and then even attempting to learn how to cypher dreams. They all ended in nothing.
I eventually got so desperate to be able to have a niche in divination that I ended up turning to a Magic 8 ball for help for years, before I finally discovered it.
I had been in Des Moines, Iowa, visiting a couple of people when I went into a metaphysical store called “Ancient Mysteries”. I looked around, interested in the layout of the shop, when I came upon a small rack and paused to gaze upon glorious crystal shiny.
A pretty gold and glass one caught my eye first. I had no idea how to use them, but as soon as it was in my hand, it started spinning wildly, and for some reason I knew it was the one. I purchased it without a second thought.
It met its fate barely a month later in the washing machine.
Disappointed, but, knowing that I was still drawn to the aspect of the pendulum, I sought out another one. The kind shopkeepers at a store in Texas called “Silver Pyramid” spent an hour with me attempting to find one that matched. They suggested crystal ones. But every time I held one it did just what rocks do best.
Sat there like dead weight.
After trying several, some of quartz, rose quarts, amethyst, onyx—I finally found the one. This one was beautiful—it was all gold metal, spiraled, and with a sharp end. The chain, however, was painfully short and the weight almost worthless. When I held it and asked it to go into starting position, instead of turning clockwise, it spun counter clockwise. When I asked it to go still it swung back and forth like an unruly child, trying to strike me. But, unlike the others, it moved, so I begrudgingly purchased the little twat and headed back home.
It was there, however, that I removed the chain I had managed to salvage form the death of the first pendulum, and switched them out. As soon as the fusion was complete...
It worked like a dream.
But all good dreams come to an end.
Before my move up to Canada, Pro'disin started showing signs of... dying. Its strange to say that about an inanimate object, but that was almost what it felt like. I would ask it questions, or have it go into starting position, but it would be slow to respond. I tried using various techniques to recharge it, or even purify it, such as keeping it in its usual black velvet pouch and adding in some peridot,or running moon-kissed water over it. However, I wielded no results from these methods.
It was while I was in Nova Scotia, that I came upon a shop called “Little Mysteries” with my girlfriend. We visited the shop a few times while were where in Halifax for two months, and every time I diligently checked their pendulums for anything interesting. All I saw were crystals, and a couple of ugly-looking metal ones. I went home every time, disappointed.
However, just last week, upon going and looking, my eyes lit up like diamonds at the sight of a crystal pendulum. Normally, they didn't draw anything more than initial curiosity, but I kept walking past the rack, and just staring at it. It was apparently so obvious that even my girlfriend commented on it (which yes, is important because normally I can keep childish wonder and awe off my face and to myself). It was a beautiful, translucent, almost dark-mint green, with a silver chain and purple amethyst weight. When I picked it up, I tried it. I mean, why not, right?
And it worked.
“It freaking works!” I exclaimed, and I stood there at the counter with awe. I started jumping up and down. I ran to the nearest associate to ask them about it.
“What crystal is this?!” I practically mauled the short-haired woman behind the glass jewelry display case for the information. She spared a glance at me and then at the pendulum.
“Fluorite,” She stated. “Relatively new to magick. Want some info on it?”
The rest of the trip was a bit of a blur, because I was so entranced with the pendulum that had suddenly come into my possession, and it hasn't left my side since. After months, I had finally found it—and a crystal, at that! Fluorite is good at negating stressful and harmful energies, helping headaches, and cleaning the mind of external thought. It promotes creative thinking and enhances magick and psychic abilities. Plus, it comes in a multitude of colors. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
And I'm super glad for it.
Of course, having a type of divination you are good at isn't needed to be a witch. But I'm glad I have it, at the very least. ♥