I woke up really late today, after a strange dream. It was really late at night. It was pretty dark. Knowing this would certainly mess up my schedule, I attempted the usual string of methods in a attempt to get back to sleep.
Usually, they involved my girlfriend.
She sleeps like a brick, and I love it. Its too easily to manipulate her to my whim at night when I wake up, and I usually do. So, when that happens, I start maneuvering her into all the “sleepy-time wrestling” positions I know.
Not to be confused with the “bed-time wrestling” moves we may all love.
Sometimes the mission is successful around the second move, but tonight, I tired them all out. I think she was even actually awake for them, as I felt the universal “baby-I'm-still-awake” signal of gently tapping/scratching/petting on the part the hand happens to be draped over. However, as I continued to lay in bed, my mind started traveling to places. It does that. A lot.
When I get the time to think, I end up reflecting back on things in my life. I always say, “I have no regrets becoming who I am”, and that's true. But I always wondered, if some higher power gave me the chance... would I keep things as they are? Or would I do it all over again?
I had also recently watched Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica, where in it young girls are given the choice of having any one wish granted, and in return they become magical girls and fight for the rest of their life until they die. That's a very tame description, but anymore would give away the plot of a rather interesting and perspective storyline. But, it got me to thinking... what one wish would be great enough to risk the rest of your life for?
I sat there thinking, pretty sure I couldn't think of anything and thus, could never become a magical girl because I had no wish to make. But then I started thinking harder on it, as I lay there and stared into the shadows.
And within the crevices of my imagination, I beheld the wish-bringer.
What could I wish that would have been good enough? Worth risking my life? I started thinking back on the things I had done, and then, I finally came to the thought.
What if I could go back and do my life over again?
The details are personal, but lets just say, I've had a lot happen (understatement) to make me want to think about going back. What kind of choices would I make? What kind of things would of changed the course of my history? Whom would I have met, or stayed away from?
I closed my eyes, thinking, yes. If I had the opportunity, that would be my wish (at this point in time, of course). I'd wish to go back and do it over again.
But then I felt a hand on my side give a squeeze, and I looked over to this face.
When she awakens, my life turns into a comedy skit.
I stared at my girlfriend. And I knew... if I changed my life? I wouldn't be here with her. Nor, would I perhaps of met all the friends I had ever made, and all the important people who touched my life. What about all of them? Even the people I had known and come to the ends of a relationship with, whether lovers or friends, I may or may not of met them. All the cards were in the air.
Was it worth it?
Maybe. Maybe my life would have been better. It could be worse, too.
...But even if it was hard to get there, I'm proud of who I am. And at the moment, I'm content with where I am. Even if things are rough, they could be worse. But I can always make them better.
Its pointless to look back on the past, not when you can't change it.
Just keep going. The road ahead is, at the very least, yours to pave.